David Bowie "Changes"
Change is an inevitable part of life and Aspies dislike change.
Change is necessary to learn anything. Routine by definition does not
involve change. Change requires breaking with routine. A marked fear of change and lack of flexibility are some of the
other common characteristics of the patients of Asperger syndrome.
A day in my life is nearly the same from day to day. My counselor asked me to tell him what my usual day is like. "Well," I began, "I wake up, feed the cats," then I just stared off. "To be honest it's pretty much the same everyday." I love the routine
of it. I don't have many friends and I like it that way because they
might come over, and that just irritates me. Seriously, my family has been to my home twice in six years and my best friend once. If there is a knock on my door I hide or peer out to see who it might be. But in my mind I'm thinking, "How dare they come over and interrupt me." My home is my sanctuary
from the chaos of the world, and if someone drops by, even family, they
throw a wrench in my routine.
As a child my parents didn't understand my meltdowns over things such as a haircut or new clothes and it got worse when I became a teenager and was brought bra shopping. I didn't want to change. I didn't want to grow up, but what I wanted didn't matter. So, the new bra was stuffed into the back of my dresser drawer. There, if I didn't see it I could prevent change. They were exasperated by my reactions, but just didn't understand why. In college a boyfriend set up an entire day for me to be pampered. He bought me new clothes and a day at the spa to have my hair and makeup done. I sat in the chair at the spa and cried as they changed my hair for the evening we were supposed to have together. "I don't need to be changed," I said in tears. Of course they could not fathom why a makeover would upset any girl.
If I receive a last minute call to go out I will almost always say no. I have to have advance notice so I can prepare myself. Yes, spontaneity is not a strong suit. But I have NEVER been late to any event.
If I have enough warning and allowed to mentally prepare then I can do anything I set my mind too. But quick changes in schedule or events or a simple change in a dinner causes me stress and anxiety. I become highly aggravated at what I see as a total inconsideration for my time and feelings. I have worked hard the last three years of my life to try to become more flexible. I planned two trips to Europe by myself. These trips forced me to focus and gave me much needed self confidence. I remember getting on the plane and saying to myself, "What the hell did you just do?" I was excited and terrified. Tears welled up in my eyes as the plane lifted into the air. I had just talked to my mother and suddenly felt very alone and surrounded by nothing but clouds. I ordered a Bloody Mary and talked myself into relaxing. It's a journey I told myself and just go with it. Nothing matters but the journey. I arrived in Washington airport and during my layover they changed my gate. I have always relied on following whoever I am traveling with. Now, I only had me. I heard the destination and went to check and yes, my gate was moved and they were loading the plane. This was great! I didn't mess up! Trust me that was huge! A change occurred and I was able to adjust and it worked. When I arrived in Prague I was instantly confused and disoriented. I hopped on a tram not having any idea where I was going and rode it for over an hour. I just did not know how to get my bearings straight and started to become very upset. What was I going to do? Call my dad? Yes, I have been known to call him when I am lost in various cities crying. "Dad, I'm lost." "Robin, calm down. Where are you?" One time he laughed when I called him from King Street in Charleston after driving in circles. I called him in New Hampshire from a pay phone hysterical. This time he said, "What would you like me to do? I am not there."
Imagine being like this and traveling to college. I arrived at The University of South Carolina and literally felt dropped from outer space into thousands of faceless, nameless people. I hibernated for a few weeks and only stayed to a certain path to classes etc. Even going to the cafeteria was to much and too noisy. I still have dreams that I forget what classes I'm taking and where to go. But in all this I learned strength and learned to trust myself.
So, in Prague I decided it was ok to be lost and to take a deep breath and simply get to the hotel and nap and start over when I felt stronger. I got lost a lot but learned to love it. I would discover new things and places. Getting lost could be great! Change can be fascinating and I was able to make it into a game. What's down this alley? Take a left instead of a right. Come out of the hotel and go a different way. It didn't matter. So what if I got lost, there could be a treasure at the end of the road. Funny but I never looked at a map, they often overwhelm me. If I had I would have realized I didn't need to take the subway everyday but simply walk along the river to where I wanted to go. Oh, well! I finally discovered that Apsergers was alright and I just needed to make it work for me. So what if I didn't think or see things like others. I saw the World my way and it started to be fun:)When I'm able to process it my way I'm able to see the sign below and be ok.
Imagine being like this and traveling to college. I arrived at The University of South Carolina and literally felt dropped from outer space into thousands of faceless, nameless people. I hibernated for a few weeks and only stayed to a certain path to classes etc. Even going to the cafeteria was to much and too noisy. I still have dreams that I forget what classes I'm taking and where to go. But in all this I learned strength and learned to trust myself.
So, in Prague I decided it was ok to be lost and to take a deep breath and simply get to the hotel and nap and start over when I felt stronger. I got lost a lot but learned to love it. I would discover new things and places. Getting lost could be great! Change can be fascinating and I was able to make it into a game. What's down this alley? Take a left instead of a right. Come out of the hotel and go a different way. It didn't matter. So what if I got lost, there could be a treasure at the end of the road. Funny but I never looked at a map, they often overwhelm me. If I had I would have realized I didn't need to take the subway everyday but simply walk along the river to where I wanted to go. Oh, well! I finally discovered that Apsergers was alright and I just needed to make it work for me. So what if I didn't think or see things like others. I saw the World my way and it started to be fun:)When I'm able to process it my way I'm able to see the sign below and be ok.
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