Monkey See, Monkey Do!

August 15, 2013 · by Robin

Like most aspies, I dislike groups of people. Why? I find it exhausting trying to figure out how to fit in and act. For example, this past week I had dinner with my boyfriend and a well-known NASCAR driver. First, famous people do not intimidate me. Strange I know, but I just don’t care or care what they think. So why do I stress out then when I have to be around people if I don’t care what people think? It is simply uncomfortable and I’d rather be alone and not have to deal with it. Social skills are just not my strong suit and that’s why I have ONE friend and she does all the talking. I am not a chit chatty girl. Just doesn’t seem important to me and I say something only when I think it’s important. This is the same reason I have always played individual sports. Yes, I have been asked why I run like a Gazelle. I simply have a different gait. But individual sports! This is where aspies can shine. I feel strong and athletic. I feel like I’m coordinated and connected to my body. I have to exercise daily to control depression and anxiety. You would too if you got overwhelmed by reading a menu and seeing all the choices. Trust me, only in the past two years have I expanded and simply point at something to try it. Thank God for menus like the ones they have at IHOP. “I’ll have the picture,” I say, smiling and pointing at the colorful photo of pancakes and eggs. I wish menus were made like Pop Up Books. Yes, my diet is strange and I mix unlikely foods together. I like to dip things in tarter sauce. I love sauces. I rarely heat my food and often look like a caveman when I eat. For one year of my life I ate nothing but Grapenuts cereal with one banana and a bagel. THREE TIMES A DAY AT THE SAME TIMES. It’s not that we have eating disorders, but going into a freaking grocery store is overwhelming. AND now with all the foods that are going to kill me (GMOs) I simply walk around the outskirts (the safe zone) of the aisles and try to find something. So when I find something I like I stick to it…sometimes for a long, long time. Therefore I like to eat alone! I like living alone.
OH, let’s get back to social skills. Food is another blog. See, my brain is like a series of spider webs with spider leg-like ideas all stemming from another thought or idea.
Tired already?
So it began in the car. What do I say? Great idle chit chat.  The usual “Where are you from?” “Oh, I’ve been there…” I think I’m going to make Flash Card conversations. Next, after parking, we go to walk into the restaurant. Ok…I’m supposed to go first or let the men go first? Women first in some situations and men in others. Do I walk ahead and let them make the reservation? OH crud! So, I went first and told the hostess we would be having dinner for three. Now, I feel like I have taken charge and acted like the man. I look down…nope I have breasts, not the man. We sit down. I WANT a glass of wine but I know they won’t be drinking because they are working the next day. Do I have a glass anyway? So I go through my checklist and flow chart. I chose yes, because of my nerves and hell, I drink alone I guess. Yes, I did get a look when I ordered my glass of wine. Crap. Next, the menu from hell arrives…Pages! Just pick..just pick. My boyfriend leaves the table to have a phone conversation and it’s me and Mr. NASCAR. OH NO….chit chat….here we go. I stammered and I stuttered. Literally. Stutter Robin, really? Sometimes I just can’t get my mouth to catch up with my brain. Damn it. Drink my wine. Did he just look at me funny? Take another sip. Crawling out of my skin. Can we please just eat and get out of here. He seems comfortable even though his manners seem off. By that I mean they are not impeccable. Elbows on table etc. That means I should relax right? Ok, so my slouching isn’t that bad, at least my elbows are not on the table. Right? Sit up. Cross legs one way. Uncomfortable. Cross them the other way. Crap, his foot is on that chair. Recross the other way. Just relax. Am I being too polite? Am I acting snobby at the effort of acting normal? This sucks. Wish I could just relax and enjoy my dinner.  Dinner served. PLEASE don’t let my knife or fork make some absurd sound as I cut into my food. Timing. I’m eating too fast. Remember, it’s not a race. Slow down and pace with the others. Okay another hurdle is crossed. How do I place my knife and fork to show I’m done. I look at the others. Great! They both did it differently. Fine, I place mine in my plate and put my napkin on top because I always forget I have my napkin in my lap and go to stand up and it falls on the floor or I walk away from the table with it still clinging to me. Yup, I’m Sexy and I know it! Dinner done. Do I offer to pay the check? It’s not a date. If he pays do I offer to pay the tip? Flow chart? F the flow chart! I’m exhausted and want to go back to the hotel, eat something sweet and go to sleep!