LIGHTS, CAMERA...NO!

 

People with Asperger Syndrome often have to deal with extreme sensitivities to everyday sights, sounds, smells and touch. I have been told I should be a perfumer because I have such an acute sense of smell. As a result of being so sensitive to smells, I only wear a light oil on my body and not a perfume. I can smell exactly where a dead animal is in a ceiling and once had to point it out to a pest control employee because he could not find it. I pointed to the spot in the office and he returned with the rat. This was after two trips to the attic and swearing to me there was nothing dead up there. Seasons smell different to me and I become very creative in the Fall and Spring. Fall is a cleaner smell. It has a hollow smell and I hear for what seems like miles when there is no humidity. I also become depressed in the Fall and will write and draw more. 

I can't sleep if there is a smell in the house that I don't like lingering in the air. I feel like I am suffocating around a smoker and can not go to bars or restaurants that allow smoking. My employee has to wash the phone after she uses it simply because I can smell smoke on it. This is even if she has not had a cigarette in hours. I have gotten up and had to search the house to find a smell I don't like and get rid of it before being able to fall asleep. Smells I dislike include the cooking of lamb,  the leftover smell of sauteed onions and peppers,  the leftover smell of anything cooked that lingers. I dislike the smell of hard boiled eggs but love the smell of scrambled eggs. I either really like a smell or really dislike a smell. I smell so intensely that I once threw up simply seeing a McDonald's commercial because I could SMELL the hamburger and I wasn't feeling well. I also have some scents that I love! Scratch and Sniff books were great when I was a child but I hated the scent of scratch and sniff Orange Juice. That page needed to go. Hot Chocolate was scratched and sniffed until there was nothing left to scratch. I still love the smell of books, especially the smell of a book or a magazine that has just been printed. Yes, you will see me sniffing books. Some smell great, others not so much. As a child I would go through the grocery store and open all the laundry soaps and smell them. I still have to uncap bottles and smell them first. I place light oils under my nose or on my hands and face so I can smell them and relax throughout the day. Cal just bought me a shower gel called "Sleep" and I place it on my pillows and sheets. I have strong memories of smells and the smell of a person makes all the difference as to whether or not I will date them. You either smell right or wrong.

Hearing. Some Aspies seem to hear sounds others do not. I get irritable when people have a computer going, a television going and they are talking. It is simply too much and something has to be shut off or I have to leave. People in a car next to me with a sub woofer is like fingernails down a chalkboard. Every sound is amplified for me so much so that I have bought a pair of headphones like they wear at an airport. I hear frequencies like a radio playing with music and talking, yet there is nothing on at my home. I HEAR the music. I HEAR talking. I have looked all over my home to find where the radio sound is coming from and I can't. I can simply hear it. I can hear sounds from what seems to be miles away and somebody will say, "What is that noise?" I can always answer them with exactly what the noise is that they are hearing. But this ability to hear makes it hard for me to follow conversations or listen. It makes it hard to relax. Something as simple as the buzz of fluorescent lights or a dog panting can throw me off and make me irritable. I put myself into many time outs and currently work with a doctor on breathing and relaxation techniques. I have cried at my desk simply because of a sound. I do not go to concerts, video arcades and dislike loud restaurants or places with poor acoustics. A fair is not fun for me. The intense greasy smells, the loud arcade sounds and people screaming in the midst of bright, flashing lights. No, you'll find me with the animals or looking at artwork by locals. I did ride the bull once. Vegas? Ding, ding, ding, ding. Good for about an hour and then I go numb. I have sat outside of a restaurant with my girlfriend trying to enjoy a glass of wine and dinner and had to leave because the noise level just gets unbearable and I can not make out what she is saying. It exhausts me. "What? I can't hear you." What comes next is either me getting aggravated, upset or frustrated. And it's simply at a small outdoor cafe.
As a child I would simply tune it all out and sleep. I would sleep for hours and hours and I still love to sleep or just be in bed with my eyes closed. It is my quiet time. No noise. No television. No talking. Nothing. I decided against having children because I knew I would not being able to cope with whining and crying. I need too much solitary time. A person eating next to me makes me want to scream. Slurp, slurp, chew, chew, crunch, crunch. I had to stop dating a person because of the way he ate. It grossed me out so much that everything else about him grossed me out. Snoring is enough to make me leave a room and go sit in a closet. As a child I decked out my closet creating a cool room with a chair and toys so I could go there and escape the world and recover! That's why I like tree houses. Over the years I have learned to set a two-hour time limit on visiting with family because I know I will be exhausted after that period. The telephone ringing is an intrusion to me and I rarely will pick up unless I'm at my office. I get mad when my mobile phone rings. I decide when I am ready to talk to the person and will call back when I feel I have enough energy. I am much better at texting. I rarely have phone conversations and have heard about it for years because it bothers my family. I did not talk on the phone as a teenager and I don't now. Yes, I know that means we don't keep in touch, but thank God for texting and email and FACEBOOK. Oh FACEBOOK how I love you. 

Strangely enough, my parents thought I was deaf as a baby and would bang pots and pans together to see if I would move or wake up. I would lay in the carrier with kids running and screaming past me and never move. This is just the other side of the spectrum that I was showing as a baby and is hyposensitivity.

Touch. I am sensitive to touch. I can't stand clothes that have a tag that itches my neck especially and I will break out in a rash and actually get tender and sore where the tag rests. I cut the tags out of my shirts. I love soft blankets and LOVE that I get to wear scrubs to work everyday:) I don't mind being touched by people or give a hug or kiss, however I can only allow somebody to be in my space for so long. In a relationship I enjoy kissing and am passionate but when I start to settle down and want to go to sleep, I need quiet and my space. Cuddling is great for awhile but soon I am absorbing too much of the other person's energy and need to go my way to relax. Your foot touching me on the bed is simply TOO close. King-size beds are the way to go or some duct tape down the middle doesn't hurt either to give the subtle hint of stay on your side! Don't tickle me or touch my knees. Tickling is aggressive to me and my knees, well they are mine so leave them alone. Honestly, I have no idea why I don't want my knees touched. Just don't.

Visual problems are less common. However, I can search for an object and not notice that it is right in front of me. I joke and say it's my Apsie Angel moving stuff around on me to keep me on my toes. I keep all the lights off and one client found it rude. "What are you ready to leave?" "Am I holding you up?" "No," I replied. "I just don't like bright lights." 

 "You think better with the light on," my employee tried to convince me. No, I don't. I survive with the lights off. Thank You. Bright lights bother me and a trip to Walmart is not enjoyable. It's like being reborn and slapped on the ass all over again. Fun right? I can hear the lights and the store turns into one big bright blob of motion. I have been asked, "Are you a bat?" No. I just like to shower in the dark, put my makeup on in the dark (yes, I have to fix it in the light) go to sleep with total darkness etc. It's great for the electric bill though! I see license plates and will memorize certain ones and then get excited when I am in the same place as that person with the license plate and finally get to meet them. In my mind I am seeing the same license plate over and over and that means this person must have a message for me, something to share. One person became a client of mine and I told her I saw her license plate twice a day for over a year and now she is my client. No coincidences. I notice cloud patterns and shadows and sun patterns. I guess that makes me have a good eye for photography by being able to see light patterns and color and texture.

Proprioceptive and Vestibular disorders. I have a hard time orienting myself in my space. This can make me seem like a klutz. I have gone to sit down in my office chair and landed on the floor. Yes, something always seems off about my stance or posture and I can't get comfortable. When I was in school I could not get comfortable and my legs literally hurt if I couldn't put them up on the chair in front of me. I walk into walls and bruise easily. I drop things often. I exercise with a mirror and have learned to focus on where I am in my space and to focus on each muscle that I move. I HAVE to work out daily or I get irritable and feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I run for miles on my toes and can not get comfortable trying to run heel to toe. It creates a very strange looking runner's gait. I had a difficult time learning to tie my shoes as a child. I just didn't understand and tried over and over until finally breaking down in frustration and tears. I STILL remember how I felt when I finally accomplished tying my shoes. Sometimes I am smiling and people close to me ask me "Why are you smiling?" Often I don't know or something is just making me happy. It just seems out of place for the situation. I have been known to zone out in a grocery store and just stare off. If I'm waiting for you to pick out your tomato I just go to my relaxation zone place and hang out. A lot of times people think I am watching television with them. I'm not. I'm staring and creating something. 

Some Aspies like to be swaddled. As a child I would wake up at 6 am, make a mixture of cereal in a mixing bowl and literally roll myself into a blanket like a burrito to watch cartoons. I will flip and flop like a fish in bed trying to find a comfortable position, not just for my body, but my fingers and hair and the blanket can only touch certain places of my body and not be too high or too low. When I was a child I had to have my stuffed animals lined up on both sides of me the same way every night and had to listen to my carousel play "Love Makes the World Go Round." I still collect musical carousels. I still listen to them to relax.

Every day can be a challenge to simply get through without breaking down in some form. Shopping takes preparation and making sure I have the correct form of energy. Then I know I need the time after to decompress. Everything I do takes mental and physical preparation...visits with family, work, play, shopping, phone calls, eating...

How have I used these sensitivities to my advantage? Certain forms of music touch me to my core as do pictures or colors. I believe this has helped me as an artist to see and feel. We are great actresses since we watch closely how others behave and speak. We are great artists, photographers, scientists...I am lucky through all my struggles with Aspergers to have learned to see the Gift of Living on the Spectrum!